It’s two weeks before I turn 40. I stink. I mean I really smell bad. It takes a while before I motivate myself to get in the shower. Noted; I’m drunk. I’m alone, I can’t adult well as the kids say. Eventually I get in the shower and wash myself off. As I’m standing there letting the warm water rush over me I start thinking about everything, and I do mean everything. It’s October 5th, 2017. There has been a massacre in Las Vegas. Donald Trump is president and well you can probably figure out the rest if you’re reading this in 2018. But this isn’t about that shit show (directly), I don’t write about that shit. I write about my life and the fantasy life I live in. A life of Professional Wrestling, Horror movies, and GTA! Safe and sound from the horrors of the real world. Yet all I think about lately is how little I have achieved in these forty years. how little I have accomplished. My Uber driver tonight knew me from a bar I frequent, yet I had no recollection of him at all. I’m drunk, but I’m drunk all the time so that’s no excuse. I spend way too much time checking my ex-wife’s Facebook hoping she mentions me. I spend most of my days thinking about all the failed loves in my life. I think often about how I failed my family. How I let my sisters down after our mother and grandmother died.
My mind and body are failing me. I look at the current state of events and I can see how a 64-year-old multi-millionaire can lose it and take out 59 people from a hotel room that I will never be able to afford. It’s easier to believe in conspiracy theories than it is to except that we are all just alone in this universe and devoid of actual human contact we can each become unhinged. The whole systems fucked and the election of an Orange clown as president just reinforces this notion. There is no God. There is no meaning to this madness. We are all just flotsam on the jetsam. I want to fight for a better tomorrow but there is no better tomorrow. Are we not all just trapped in an endless Tea Pot Dome Scandal? Is Rome not still burning? You look out at the vast sea of ignoramuses spouting nonsense over the airwaves is it any different than two hundred years ago? The world is chaos. It is lost in a sea of meaningless riddles with no answers. 40 years on this planet and I’ve yet to make sense of it. I try! Make no doubt. I try! I want to find some type of clarity before I shuffle off this mortal coil, for the faithless few.
Is this the end of humanity? Are we truly at a breaking point in our maturity? Things seem so hectic and fast paced now. The world seems to be rushing towards the brink of destruction. Turmoil and toil. Yet I feel like this is just a phase. Growing Pains! This is what evolution looks like. From the rise of White Nationalism in America (that has truly always been there) to the resistance against globalization (which is ultimate inevitable), the world is changing. Power is being displaced. Women and those who have been previously labeled as minorities are rising up and claiming their piece of the proverbial pie. And the resistance to this change is vast and powerful. The entrenched parties are willing to go to great lengths to hold onto their positions. Yet what are these positions? Aren’t we all still bugs clinging to a ball of mud spinning around a light?
What is this overwhelming depression that has taken hold of society. As an avid reader of science fiction and comic books, it’s easy to imagine that some alien lifeform has latched itself onto humanity and began feeding off the misery and pain we cause each other. Though as someone who has studied history it is easy to see that we have always been horrible. Humans have been making hell for each other since time immemorial, what’s new? The world keeps on spinning. The bright spots are what count right? Finding happiness in the brief moments that we can come together. Either it be with two or more. Does it matter if it’s a man gone mad or a government conspiracy to take away your precious guns that rains bullets down from the sky we’re all in this together and we have to make the most of these precious moments. As I get older I realize that love is the only answer. And it doesn’t have to be a physical love. It doesn’t have to be a love that’s legal or one that anyone understands. It just has to be love. True and pure and unconditional.