I just don’t feel like myself lately. More importantly I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. It’s rough on days like today when you feel worthless, and alone. You start to question everything you’ve done in your life, and why wasn’t it good enough. How will you ever be worth anything to anyone else if someone who spent five years with you found it so utterly necessary to have you out of their life? Someone who you cared about so intensely could easily determine their life would be infinitely better without you in it. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done different, better, how could I have saved myself from this situation? Was there something I could have said, or done to change things? These are all the questions that roll through your head as you stare at pictures of them partying and having fun without you on Facebook. Ultimately there is no answer to these questions; there is no way to know what could have been. There is only what is; the emptiness, the longing, the tears. Normally this is where I would take a drink and stare out the window, but I’m broke and in public because the place where I’m crashing has no internet access.
This is not my first heart break, I am old and I have had a few relationships fall apart on me. Though rejection has never been something I was good at dealing with. My first taste came in 1996 with a little blonde girl named Roxanne. It took me three years and a lot of booze, tears, and jail time. But I was able to put that all behind me when she appeared on my doorstep one night and apologized. She told me how unhappy she had been and we cried, inside I was glad to hear this, and it broke the chain. I moved on. Right into the next one that break my heart. One of my Letter A Virgo’s; this one wasted little time ripping my heart out just before I had to serve a short prison stint. Like a fool I gave her another opportunity once I got out of lock-up. Yet with time both of these wounds healed. I am crying now, but this new wound will heal as well. It’s just still raw and fresh, and unlike the others there was no Facebook around to pour salt in the gaping hole. I finally had to block her from my feed today; it was just pointless torture at this point. It’s only been three weeks but she’s moved on and I don’t want to witness the day when her relationship status changes.
Its times like this I am so glad I have the Mountain Goats in my life. The words of John Darnielle comfort me and let me know that I am not alone. Then I think of the show I’ll be missing on Wednesday. The one my ex has promised to go and tape for me. But promises are shit as Fugazi once said. I feel I made a huge mistake coming back to Atlanta. It’s so fucking hot here. I can barely breathe when I go outside, I still haven’t gotten a job and it’s not like I’m doing a lot of hanging out with old friends, most days my phone doesn’t even ring. No one really cares that I’m back, or they know that I don’t want to be here. I should have stuck it out and struggled in SF, I would have come out stronger and better for it. I took the easy road because I am weak and that’s why I am single again at 35. I was too weak to do anything to save my fake marriage, I was too weak to stick it out and sleep on the streets of the Bay. So I’m suffering for it. I’m sweating my balls off because I was too pussy to spend any time without cable. It’s my fault that, and I can’t deny that anymore. I like to say I did nothing wrong, (she told me that) but I did a number of things wrong. I should have tried harder to get a better job when I had the chance, I should never have gotten an X-Box, I should have done more to achieve my goals and dreams. She did. Her concern was never for me, I should have never been concerned for her.
I’m sure I will get over this feeling as soon as I get a job and home, and all of my stuff back from the West Coast, and… See not sure how long this list can go on but it extends far over the horizon. And not knowing how long it may be before I can re-establish my comfort zone and quit spending so much time at Starbucks or the Library just to get online. Not that those are huge problems. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I haven’t gone one day without a pack of smokes. I even still get to drink most nights, although nowhere on the level I’m used to. I can’t afford Morrissey tickets that went on sale this past Friday, but hopefully by the time the show arrives I will be able to get a pair from a scalper in front of the show. I have to remind myself that this has happened before and although I would like to believe that this will be the last, evidence says the contrary. I have no idea how to operate a relationship with another human being. I tried to be good for once and that backfired. I have been the bad boyfriend and that will never be forgotten. Perhaps this is my punishment for being a jerk to a few other women in my life. Though I tell you it doesn’t bode well for future endeavors. Right now I have no desire to be good ever again. In fact it’s best if I spend a few years without a woman, I look at them all with contempt and a small bit of hatred. Though this too will pass, it may take a while.