It seems like all of the television shows enjoy right now are mere mirror images of my own life. I don’t think that is a good thing. Walking Dead, Archer, and Eastbound and Down while each different in their style and approach all tell the stories of men who either once where great, or at least thought they were coming to the hard cold realization that things are not as they were and they are no longer the Alpha male they believed they were. I am in the midst of the end of five year relationship with a woman I believed loved me, but has informed me that in fact she did not. My life is not what I once imagined it to be and my confidence and bravado are fading rapidly. I feel the weight of reality crashing down around me and I am spiraling into a dark, dark time.
While my entertainment reflects this on a unnatural level. Much like Kenny Powers I am seeing my youthful vitality questioned as mere delude childishness and a inability to grow up. Perhaps its the time, perhaps I am not alone others (particularly television writers) are feeling this wave too. Perhaps its merely how many men feel at this age and this is how our generation is choosing to express this time. On HBO’s Eastbound and Down Kenny Powers is falling with each episode down a darker and darker road that seemingly has no light at the end of the tunnel. The Show began this way and while often it has shown a ray of sunshine where things do get better they inevitable fall back into darkness because Kenny refuse to change his ways. Despite the lessons life has tried to offer him. I identify completely.
I will be 35 years old this year, and what have I accomplished? I want to be a writer but I have never sent out a manuscript or even tried to be published. I live in San Francisco with a beautiful lawyer, but other than that what have I done? Paralyzed by a fear of rejection I mask my fear in a false since of bravado and arrogance learned from a lifetime of watching Ric Flair preen on cardboard stage. We all know how well that worked out for him. Much lithe character of Kenny Powers I was born and raised in North Carolina, Ric was my image of what a true man was meant to be (“To be the man” et. all). Fatherless, my idols were all bullshit, imaginary characters created for show on screen suppose that’s why I surround myself with screens and monitors. Yet dual monitors and a 37 inch LCD flat screen can’t fill the void.
My first concern when my wife-y told me she wanted to split was how I was going to afford my set-up without her paycheck, and how long would I survive without 24 hour internet and cable access. I also need constant whiskey. How was I going to survive paying for all this and rent alone. I wasn’t concerned with the loss of companionship or the woman I love, I just wanted to keep my stuff and my comfortable set-up. Selfish of me-I know-but for the last two years my life has existed solely online. I was once a party animal, a social creature out for a good time. I tried to be on my best behavior for her and cut myself off from any temptation or anything that could possibly get me in trouble with the missus. That plan backfired and made me fat an boring to the point where she left me.
Worse than that, I have no desire to return to my old ways. I actually like being old and boring and existing in some ethereal cyber-space. Unlike Kenny-Fucking-Powers I am content in my old age. I was in many ways glad to relieve myself of the burden of power and constant pressure to be the craziest S.O.B. on the block. This past weekend was St. Patrick’s day, once my third favorite holiday (1st being Halloween, the 2nd being April Fools Day), instead it just reminded me that I have no desire to go back to the single life. If I could I would while away the rest of my days in a drug and cocktail haze in some sea side bungalow writing and occasionally releasing epitaphs on the world via my online command center of quad monitors. I just cant afford that yet.