Captain America; The Review

Yes, I’m a little late with my Captain America review, but in my defense it was a midnight showing I went to and I because I’m in Los Angeles and don’t drive or have money for cabs, I ride the bus. Which means it took me over an hour to get home, then I slept till 1:PM (PST). Then I had to get something to eat and watch last night’s Conan. Then Wilfred was Hulu and if you haven’t seen it it’s hilarious and one of my favorite new shows. I can’t wait to get back home to SF so I can watch it on TV instead of this tiny laptop screen. I digress, before I get into my thoughts on the movie I want to say that you will likely have read or will read a ton of negative reviews written by people that either don’t read comics, or don’t read Captain America comics, or simply want to complain about tiny details that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I myself had doubts; I was unhappy (read-jealous) that Christopher Evans was allowed to play both Johnny Storm (AKA the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four), and Steve Rogers (AKA Captain America). I got over it though, I reconciled the duel character role with the fact that FF was not produced by Marvel Studios and that slowly but surely the FF will be redone under the proper Marvel umbrella and I will be happy with it. Simply put because Marvel does Marvel best. Before the big movie there was a trailer for the new Spiderman reboot. Which sucked on so many levels I can’t begin to count them all, but I will give you a few; 1) The camera tricks made me feel like I was on a roller coaster-and I hate roller coasters-what about those of us with motion sickness assholes! 2) It’s pointlessly retelling Spideys origin and revising some of his history while including elements that suck (like his parents being spies which leads to the god-awful Clone Saga) 3) This means it’s going to take even longer to get Spidey under the Marvel Studios umbrella which sucks!

This is what it was all about

The Marvel Studios movies have not all been screen gems, but I’ve liked them all a lot better than the non-Marvel, Marvel movies. As much as people seemed to have loved the X-men movie that came out a few months ago it would have been a million times better if they would have gotten any of the facts correct about the origins of the team. Yes these are things that are really only important to people like me who own thousands of X-Men comic books and buy stacks of them every Wednesday! That is why Captain America gets a big two thumbs up! Cap is a great comic book movie for comic book fans. You get awesome cameos from long beloved characters, there is little time spent on trying to explain things like The Cosmic Cube, which is the central piece of the Red Skulls super weapon. They don’t even call it by name! This is great! If you don’t read enough comics or the right comics to already know what the Cosmic Cube is before you settle your fat ass into the seat then fuck you go home! We have now come to a point where we do not need you! There are enough of us in San Diego right now that will make sure these movies keep getting made! The Avengers is happening we don’t even need you to go see it!

Don't let the smooth face fool you I am still a Nazi!
Flying through the bullshit for another film!

 Captain America is really the first comic book movie to be for comic fans only and that’s got a lot to do with Cap himself. He’s a tough character to do. Captain America is the same character that fought in WWII when it was actually happening. He didn’t change or become someone else (well he did but he came back), the important thing is he is as old as he is supposed to be. He is also a shining example of how DC should be handling their 80 year old characters. He is kept young by the super solider serum and being frozen in ice for how many ever years (originally 20, then 40, now 80 in the movie). It’s fine he gets to be a man out of time and out of place but still the biggest symbol of good old U.S.A When I was a kid that last part bothered me, but then Cap stopped representing the government so much and more the spirit of America and the good that it could be not the ugly, bigoted, greedy, capitalist, war mongers that it actually is. That’s why unlike some of my other geek brothers I don’t mind that the US Army that Cap fights in during this movie has been integrated and racially harmonized a little before it was in real time. What’s great about Captain America is, he’s not some bored rich playboy or tortured scientist, and he’s not some misunderstood teenager who shoots laser beams out his eyes. He’s just a regular schmo from Brooklyn who got hopped up on some super secret one of a kind steroid! This movie may whitewash a lot of real history, but it doesn’t sugar coat the fact that this is just a juiced up guy from little old Brooklyn.

Don't know who this-Fuck You!

If they had made a movie in 2011 that was faithful to the timeline it would have been reviewed as one of the most racist, sexist and homophobic movies of all time! It would have been more Nazi than the Nazi’s Cap was supposed to be fighting. And as for the Nazi’s; had they been the central villains of the film it would have made a mockery of the real horrors of a very real war. In the comics Cap has gone in and freed concentration camps and faced down some of the awful truths of the War, but that does not make for a summer block buster type story. While I would have preferred Hydra in their classic yellow and gold costumes modern audiences wouldn’t have gone for that. All in all the clunky-ness of the Hydra foot soldiers is my biggest complaint about the film. I didn’t mind the hokey fighting montage; I understand it was done to leave room for future stories to be told in that era. I didn’t mind the unceremonious way Cap’s best friend Bucky was disposed of, because I know that opens the door for what happens to Bucky in the future. You see they didn’t waste time explaining things for people that don’t know that Bucky comes back as the Winter Solider later. That’s why they showed his jealousy over Steve in the bar and didn’t pick back up on it! That’s why they showed him being excellent marksmen without mentioning it beforehand! I was super glad they included Dum Dum Dugan without ever saying his name, and I’m pretty certain the black guy is going to turn out to be Samuel Jackson’s dad or possibly grand dad. I was super stoked they included Peggy Carter as the love interest, because I know it’s her grand-daughter that becomes modern day Cap’s love interest!  Did it really matter that you saw him drawing without knowing that he was an artist who once unthawed would work on the actual Captain America comic-No! Did it matter that it wasn’t explained how good a soldier he was because he had read all these books on War-No! You saw the books in that one scene didn’t you! And if you were one of those people who were sitting next to me confused or walking out of the theater complain- tough shit! Learn to read, get off your high horse and pick up a fucking comic book or quit going to see movies you know nothing about or have no interest in!

The "New" Multi-cultural Howling Commandos

 The Point of these films was to increase comic book sales! The point of these films was not to just dump money in Marvel’s pocket. That didn’t happen-they failed! Marvel has been sold to Disney, and while that enraged me at first it didn’t really stop me from buying my same books every week. If they do away with print books I’ll break down and sign up for the digital subscription. I don’t care, I love comics, always have since I was 8 and nothing is going to change that. If you don’t like comics you’re borderline retarded and a fucking knuckle dragging Neanderthal so fuck off! I want my comic book movies for me, not you, I’m tired of having stories that I love changed or watered down to fit in some mainstream mind state. Cap will make a shit ton of money because those brainless sheep who don’t read comics will be lead into theatres by constant commercials and bus stop signs and billboards spread across this country. You will fork over your meager earnings to the house of the Mouse because you are trained from birth to do so! And hopefully once they get the rights to the X-Men, FF, and Spider-Man under the Mighty Marvel Studios we can get some real stories that are true to the comics and give the finger to those of you who don’t know how to read them!

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