Well it’s that time of year again! No not March Madness, it’s April dummy, plus who gives two shits about a bunch of lanky bastards chasing a ball up and down a tiny court. I have never cared for team sports, I believe they teach kids the wrong lessons. Team sports re all about co-dependency, and valuing a name on a jersey over individual excellence. Boxing is great for that, but it’s not the same when you compare it to MMA it just doesn’t hold up in the 21st century. No what I speak of is a spectacle greater than the Super-Bowl (and more culturally relevant), a event that holds more weight than just a fight or two. I speak ladies and gentlemen, of Wrestlemania! The culmination of a years worth of story lines in the WWE Universe and the place where new ones begin. It is known as the big dance, the grandest stage of them all and well, Mania! If you’re more interest in people who play more for a logo than themselves you can stop reading now. If you value the fact that there can be only one Dead Man, only one true Nature Boy, or only one Great One, then sit back and enjoy my predictions!
- Disclaimer-First off I’m not sure of the exact order of matches so that’s kind of a prediction in itself.
Eight-Man Tag Team Match: (I prey to Jehova1 himself that this is the first match)The Corre (Ezekiel Jackson, Tag-Team Champs; Justin Gabriel, and Heath Slater along with I.C. Champ Wade Barrett???) v/s The Big Show(groan), Kane (The Big Red and Slow as Molasses Machine that hasn’t worked since 1998), the former funny but now just annoying Tag-Team Champs Santino and Koslov. This match will be painfully slow but I expect Kofi Kingston to somehow get involved and cause a Corre loss and with any luck this will lead to the destruction of the Corre(which by the way is the dumbest sounding and spelt group in WWE history. Slater needs to go away and juice up before cutting his hair and finding a manager type to do the talking for him. Gabriel needs to go away and come back as a high-flying ninja, instead of a one trick pony. I mean c’mon does that 450 look like it hurts him more than the people he hits. He should team with Evan Borne and they can be the two-move jobbers. I like Jackson but he needs a gimmick that isn’t just being big and black! Barrett can stay but he needs to team up with William Regal and learn a few things.
Rey Mysterio v/s Cody Rhodes; I’m not sure how this match even made it onto Mania, oh wait I do! Cody Rhodes is the son of Hall of Fame Fat Ass Dusty Rhodes and Rey is the token luchadore until they see how Sin Cara does! Winner of this match-Who gives a shit!
I figure they’ll stick Sheamus v/s Daniel Bryan here if they don’t put it on first! This could be the surprise hit of the night. Without The Money in the Bank match this year I think the extremely technical style of Bryan and the extremely HHH style of Sheamus could make for some nice highlights, and I think Sheamus and Bryan both want to achieve more than the punchlines they’ve been treated as and this is their time to prove it. Winner of this match; Everybody, but seriously I see Bryan getting his U.S. Title back.
Next up is the Snooki Match. It won’t be pretty but it will serve to further tarnish and ruin the work they did with Morrison before they stopped giving a shit about him. I hate the Jersey Shore both in real life and on TV I refuse to watch this match no matter how good I think Morrison or Ziegler are. Vikki is the most annoying character since Santino stopped being funny. I seriously believe that no one on this current writing staff has a idea of how to write comedy. They should keep one or more comedians on staff at all times. I shouldn’t even have to call this one you can guess who’s gonna win even if you only know of one person who’s in it!
Somewhere in here will be sandwiched a match between two of my favorite wrestlers that I have a strong feeling won’t be any good. Cm Punk v/s Randy Orton; I’m not sure if Orton is genuinely injured again (it’s almost on schedule) or if Punk is just tired of phoning it in as a mid-carder, but the build up over the last several weeks has been anti-climatic to say the least. I don’t know if I was put off by the fake wife angle or the fact that they got rid of the fake Batista before he got to shake the ropes! I see Punk taking this but it could go either way it doesn’t matter both guys will come out the same and feud for a couple of more months before teaming up and becoming an awesome tag team.
Then there’s a match I’m both excited to see and disappointed that I
‘m excited to see,Jerry Lawler v/s/ Micheal Cole (w/ Jack Swagger v/s Stone Cold Steve Austin at some point); First I’m excited because it will mean the end of this feud and the hopeful return of either J.R. or Matt Striker to the announce table. I’m fine with either one but some how feel that Booker T will stick around and make me ashamed to be black each week. It’s pretty clear cut that Lawler wins this I mean c’mon. I know this going in and I’ll still mark out for the King of Memphis and this is why I’m disappointing in my excitement.
This will be followed by The (Increasingly irrelevant, but about to become much more relevant) World Heavy-Weight Championship Edge v/s Alberto Del Rio; This feud has done nothing but illustrate how tired Edge is of the business and how much he needs to re-team with Christian before he calls it quits. I could see this leading to that but first it will lead to possible the best match on this card and the true ascension of Alberto Del Rio as the best Mexican wrestler since Eddie died! This guy has everything we love about Eddie without looking like the type of guy that-hangs-around-a-guy-who-although-the-greatest -technical-wrestler-ever-kills-his-whole-family-because-his-gay-lover-overdoses! Seriously! Alberto’s got this!
Next to last and not really worth it HHH v/s The Undertaker; he’s not even fighting a man he’s fighting a myth a legend, a phenom. It doesn’t matter if you married the bosses daughter and are set for a lifetime job with the company! This is a streak that ain’t ending until Mark Calaway takes off his eyeliner and dies in the fucking ring. The man wrestles three times a year and he wins one-guess which one!
The main event! Miz v/s John Cena; one day we will look back on that time the guy
from the Real World who was actually a really good wrestler and perhaps the most underrated guy of his time despite holding the main title, and we will remember one thing. That a Samoan football player who happen to be a third generation wrestler and a really good actor despite being the size of a house compared to most people in Hollywood, and a douche bag from a wealthy Boston suburb who made a fortune poorly aping black culture, squared off for no reason other than to sell tickets. Yes I said it! This is the reason I’m shelling out $60 on my next months cable bill though! I will sit on pins and needles awaiting the moment when The Rock cost John Cena the title and Then starts a program that will feature absolutely no wrestling and culminate in a war of stupid catch phrases until Summer Slam. When without a doubt the Rock will finally step back in the ring to do the exact same moves he did on Monday night RAW this past week! It’s gonna be worth it and all the other shit will just be building this up. I mean I won’t go and pay for one of Dwayne’s shitty movies, but I will pay for this. I just wanna see Cena dumped on his fat (I refuse to work heel) head just once by the Great One!
Okay so that’s my predictions and opinions! If you agree let me know if you disagree then let me know as well. I wish they’d throw some of this out and I’d love to have had the IC and Tag championships defended but this is the new way, and until WWE hires me or someone who has watched wrestling for 30 years to write this stuff this is what we got to work with!