Lost somewhere between heaven and hell

Lost somewhere between heaven and hell I wander the streets from late at night to early morning light.

I say many things that I shouldn’t on a daily almost hourly basis, at the same time I don’t say many things that I should. I keep much of myself hidden; from my loved ones, from my friends and family, even from myself. I pretend to be more confident than I am, I swallow my pride for the sake of the greater good, I make myself out to be invincible (I’ve even considered it as a tattoo across my abdomen). I show no fear in the face of certain danger I make calculated risk, gambling with my life more than my money. I have been down the rabbit hole more than once in my life. The facts are I am far from invincible, far from invulnerable, and far from fearless. I have my fears and doubts about my current trek back across country. Anitra if you’re reading this, I just want to say that my fears and doubts will not deter me from giving you everything I have left to give. I am well aware of how strong our love is and what a precarious perch it rest on.  I know that what I want and what she wants often conflict and that at times I dream of a wife and a family and she does not. I vow to give it my all and never give up on what I feel is the strongest connection I have ever made to another human being. Despite the opposition I have received or the obstacles I have had to overcome and will continue to overcome. My mind and my heart have gotten older I recognize what’s really important now more than ever. It’s not the sex (per se), it’s not the booze, or drugs , it’s not going out and spending gobs of money that could be used for more lasting goods and services. What matters, are the connections we make along the way. I do not regret my ill spent youth (well not all the time), I do however embrace what growing up has taught me. The lessons I have learned, and not just the criminal ones either, but the emotional ones. I know now more than ever that my friends and family is the most important thing to me. I have partied with the best and will at the drop of a dime, drink any man or woman under the table! But in an effort to become more humble I will admit that there may be one or two out there who may best me.

It has been a tumultuous year for me, and for the country on a whole. We are facing the second decade of the new millennium and time is speeding up. There are those who feel we are headed for a cataclysmic shift, whether it will be physically manifested or psychologically, we each stand teetering upon the precipice of another age to be named by future archaeologist. We who are alive during this time are pioneers and forefathers of the next wave, we are the sentinels and keepers of a dying flame, and we are the vanguard of what is to come. It is important we chose or roles carefully. Many will be mere bystanders, but those of us who strive to effect change and push forward the boundaries of perception are entrusted with guiding the next decade into a more positive foundation. The last decade was marked by unprecedented change and hope, as well as great upheaval and opposition. There are many who seek to combat the progress and reverse the clock, but time marches on, we must not waver in the face of conflict. I have chosen to combat the enemy with honesty and love and openness, yet with a vile encrusted fist of stark removal. The journey I have made this year from state to state and home to home has brought me full circle and I have seen much and had many thoughts on what is next for me and for the world at large. There can be no separation, I am hoping not to repeat past mistakes but I know I will.  There is a since of trepidation with each leap forward we make. We ask ourselves are we doing the right thing, or are we merely following a broken path laid out by our parents and those who have come before us. As young people we struggle to define ourselves and create our own paths, yet remain tethered to our linage.

As we each strive to become better individuals there is a strong pull to become better collectively. It is in our DNA to desire procreation and find solace within each other. We are also wired to be territorial and defensive. The human animal is strange and complex and it is this duality and inner conflict which we mirror in the world.  Yes Virginia, there is a collective unconscious.  We are all connected (like it or not), we have a responsibility to one another and with that said it is the duty of certain members of us to destroy so that others can create something new. Old walls must be torn down for new roads to be built.

 

 

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