God loves us most…?

      Its three A.M. now and I’m drunk and a little high. My former fiancé visited me this weekend. She arrived bearing gifts of Whiskey and food both of which I desperately needed. She surprised me by staying the night. Aside from reliving some built up pressure I have had since she left in January, she stirred up emotions I had been trying to bury over the last several months. I had told myself that it was over; I had convinced myself to leaving California and never seeing her again. I felt it was the only way for me to move on and restore my self-confidence. I had broken down enough and was prepared to rebuild. I had begun calling old friends and making plans to return to my debaucherous ways. I was once a proud and arrogant fool, so sure of himself, it took the Great State of California and being spurned by the greatest love I have ever known to show me how much of a fool I was.  I had convinced myself that I was to blame and went over and over the list of things I could have done differently. Then she showed me this blog she had written.

         I like to think I’m not someone who’s very driven by fear, but here’s the one thought that’s driving me crazy these days: Have I thrown away one of the few people who really “got” me and loved me like crazy? And if so, then my real fear should be: Am I retarded?! Yeah, I know, we can’t predict what effect our choices will have on our futures…but do I really want to look back one day, and realize that one of the most interesting, passionate people I’ve ever met, who put me above all others, was someone I was able to toss aside – as if being passionate and interesting and enamored were no longer enough? I know I’m fickle. I know I’m hard to please. But now I’m really starting to question myself. I’m all about being greedy and wanting it all – but maybe I had it all? I don’t know. In fact, that’s the only thing I do seem to know these days: I don’t know.

Lately I’ve caught myself more than once (and probably super annoyingly) talking about how “perceptive” I am…how I’m much more interested in what’s beneath the surface of others, whereas most accept people at face value. This is someone who always saw beneath the surface in me. Even when I would try to front, he knew what was really going on. I guess that says how similar you are to someone. Because how else do you see things unless it’s something you’ve recognized in yourself? Or unless they’re someone you’ve been at some point in your life. It’s all projection. And apparently reflection. Our friendship began at late night poker games, where we would each talk the most shit – and often win – until the point where we began our braggadocios mantra of “God loves us most!” Seemingly different from the outside, we somehow knew how similar we were. Fast friends and partners in crime.

         Fast forward years later and what haven’t we been through together, and I said it was no longer enough. I wanted my space so desperately. The walls of “relationship” were closing in on me, as they’re known to do, and my fight-and-flight response kicked in. So maybe the haze of that has finally passed…and the dust has finally settled…and my fear of commitment has been replaced with a new fear: Fear of the loss of something really special. It’s time to let those two fears fight it out.

      And he brought me chicken soup today…knowing I’d been sick. You can have fun with a lot of people, but that still counts for something, right?

Moving isn’t it, too bad she didn’t tell me this earlier. I am unsure as to what to do now. I understand the sentiment all too well. I know what it’s like to be with someone who you love and have enjoyed good times with, but yet you still find yourself looking out the window wandering what else is out there. Karma I guess, coming back to bite me in the ass. You think this would get easier with age. There is very little I can do about this now. I use to wonder what was wrong with those people who felt they had found their soul mates in high school. I never understood what it felt like to want to be with someone so much that you couldn’t see your-self being with anyone else ever again. I want to be with her so badly, but I know I cannot force her to feel the same way.  We were once such a promising team, so in love I followed her across country far away from all my friends and family. And I didn’t care. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I guess that’s what its all about I don’t even know if we could recapture that magic if we (both) wanted to.


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