Next week I become a Guinea Pig. It is the last thing I expected to become, but I am out of options. I haven’t had solid work since Thanksgiving and I have been eking by an existence barely surviving from one month to the next since then. For those of you keeping score, yes, I did try and go to culinary school. I lasted about one week. I could not get anyone in my family to cosign my student loans so therefore my hopes of being an internationally recognized BBQ chef have been placed on hold. I made the mistake of not signing the Selective Service Agreement when I was 18, so I don’t qualify for any government assistance. I searched high and low for alternatives, but I couldn’t make it happen. It was an old mistake that came back to haunt me along with many others.
This entire trip out to the West has seemed like one huge mistake. I came out to California because I believed I was getting married and finally settling down, the mistake was that the woman I wanted to marry did not want to marry me. Nothing you can do about that, c’est la vie I cried and cried, but you can’t force someone to love you when they clearly do not. I spent months in a deep, dark depression alone in my shitty apartment; which was one of the early mistakes in the game. Rather than take a sublet like my partner wanted I opted instead for a “place of our own”, seems ridiculous now in hindsight. She must have known this wasn’t going to last, but I insisted that we have a place in “our” names. The apartment itself is fine, but the neighborhood is a nightmare and more annoying than the all white neighborhood I lived in St. Louis. I then chose the wrong job, when I had four to choose from.
I went to work for an idiot who had no clue about how to run a restaurant simply because he pitched himself as being southern. The fool had no idea about what we’re about in the south. The loss of my job and companion would have been a big enough blow to deal with, but it hit during an economic recession that rivals the great depression, thus making it even harder for me to get a new job. No job means I can’t go out, and I have only one friend here so who is just a big of loser as me. Together both one of us is getting any pussy and the fact that my ego has been reduced to the size of a nano-bot hasn’t helped matters either. I have received several visits from friends back East and many well wishes, but my mind can’t seem to shake this dark cloud. I have no idea where my next month’s rent is going to come from or if I will either find myself on the street or on a plane back home. I waited my whole life to come out here and show Cali what NC is all about, to truly represent. Epic Fail! Now all I can do is struggle and keep my head above water, it seems the West got the best of me