Glimmer of Hope

Today president Obama said that we are beginning to see “glimmers of hope” in the economy. I am beginning to see them to. The thing about glimmers though is that they are not rays of sunshine but brief glimpses of light. This week I started culinary school. It seems like something I should have done long ago, but I was too busy. Far too busy, getting drunk and having sex with women who are still getting drunk and having sex with dirty boys like me. Though nothing is set in stone yet (waiting) I do believe this has been the most positive thing that I have ever done in my life. Most of my time on this earth has been spent daydreaming of myself becoming some sort of revolutionary figure, some romantic hero. While I daydreamed the world moved around me.

Night became day and instead of a hero I was left a zero. A few months ago I would not have said that. I was on top of the world. I had just moved to California with a gorgeous woman and nothing was going to stop me. So I thought. When my friends and family called I bragged and boasted about the wonderful weather and amazing life I was living. As if the Irony Engine was listening I had that wonderful life ripped from my grasp. I failed as it were to hold on to it. Such is my lot in life they say. Yours truly has a problem maintaining a copacetic situation. I still miss her and suppose I always will, but after three months of wallowing in self pity I crawled my way out the hole I had dug and began to try and stand on my own two feet for once.

                The mood was ominous, I had not done anything like this in my life, I had no idea how I was about to change my world. When I was a young man and Anarchy was the order of the day I had no desire to be educated by anyone other than those who already held my beliefs. IN life and in love as well as in my chosen profession I was opposed to new ideas. Over time my ideals faded. Some became a belief system which I still cling to; others were cast out for more practical living arrangements. The man that stands before you today at 31 years of age (soon to be 32), would smack the boy that screamed bloody murder at any sort of formal training. At 19, 20, 25 I refused to be cajoled into thinking that I could learn anything more than what I already knew. You should never tell a child he’s gifted at 9 years old. Let that be a lesson to anyone with kids or planning to have kids.

       I walked onto the campus Monday believing this would be a mere cake walk so to speak and that I was just there to get a piece of paper that deemed me worthy to be paid a decent wage and possibly receive some health benefits. Instead I was met by the cold reality that there is much I need to learn. Not that I was surprised, I have long since abandoned the belief that my knowledge was superior. In fact I have came a long way in the past three months that I spent alone, head-in-hands trying to figure out how my life went to shit so fast. California has taught me a thing or two about me but the lesson truly began a few years back when I realized that I was not as in control of my life as I had hoped and fate drug me from the cradle of the south out to the cold uncaring Midwest. I knew then that my ride was beginning to change routes.

The world has changed as well and brought both surprises and disappointments. My mind and heart are not as strong as they were a few years ago-they are stronger. Even if the current plan some how goes array I know that I will survive I will overcome and the world will not end. The third planet from the sun will continue to rotate and life will go on. Shit from Shinola right? I have no grand delusions that everything will be smooth sailing from here on out. I fully anticipate bumps in the road. What can any of us do about said bumps? In every life a little rain must fall-the saying goes. I sit here this afternoon though with a small glimmer of hope and a faint sense of accomplishment. I can begin to see a better day for the first time in well over 90 days. Which is a long time if you think about it? When I talk to people I have to remind myself that they don’t know me and I should refrain from opening up too much. At the same time I’m so overjoyed to have human s to talk to rather than these sad walls. The truth of the matter is these walls aren’t all that sad they held me up when I was falling and never once judged me. What may come next week may be even better, here’s hoping.

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