No Backsliding

      I have not always been the best of guys, but I’m trying to change. I know it’s a little late, but better late than never. I’m 31 and struggling to find funds to go to Culinary School, in hopes of turning my life around. I messed up big time though. I “forgot” to sign up for Selective Service when I was eighteen and now I am not qualified for financial aid. I graduated high school in 1995 when I was just sixteen, so if the guidance counselor at my school did mention it to me, there was no way that I would remember it two years later. There really was no way that I would have remembered it two days later.

      My mom had passed away while I was in the 11th grade and I covered up my grief with mountains of weed and rivers of booze. I smoke and drank my way through the 12th grade and barely made it out with any brain cells. I then spent the time between 16 and 25 wasted and wasting my life. I was homeless four times, sold drugs, partied, and spent time in and out of jail before landing in prison for eight months. I have forgotten more than I recall from that time period and what I do recall is filled with some of the best and worst times of my life. I drank and fought, ended up in more than one sticky situation during drug deals gone bad, it is a miracle that I’m even still here. Now as I confront the prospect of being homeless again at 31 I am trying to make moves to elevate myself. I want to move beyond being the wild party animal that lives to drink and fuck. I mean I write this after I just got back from the grocery store where I spent what little money I had on a gallon of whiskey, coffee, and a pack of hot dogs that will last me about a week if I’m lucky. But, trust me I am desperately trying to transform. I have reached the end of my rope. If I can’t somehow pull this school thing off I may just have to return to North Carolina. And just so you know I love NC, but my North Carolina tattoo won’t be as ironic or hip if I’m actually living there. I’m getting off track though. The point is in order for me to be more than I am currently and progress at all I have to make this happen. I can’t turn back and I have to work harder than I ever have.

        You see that’s part of the problem that I have. I have never really had to push myself. Well not academically. I got good grades in school, even when I was stoned out of my mind and falling asleep in class. I found out at an early age the only thing you have to do in school is ace every test and you can fuck off on home work and sleep in class. However it’s set up (or was) if you made an A on every test you took the teachers would think you’re a genius and let you goof off. The problem with most people who slacked off in school (i.e. my friends) was that they couldn’t ace the test. Oh and reports you gotta do kick ass reports. So I did that and did pretty good. The teachers would always take me aside and tell me how bright I was and how they wished I paid more attention in class. And I would laugh and go back to sleeping or making jokes. I thought it was great then, but now not so much. I probably should have made more of an effort; I just didn’t see the point. The same with the Selective Service deal. I thought back then that I wasn’t going to sign up for the draft and paid no attention to the part about being denied financial aid at some point. Not that I would have cared, I never thought I would be going back to school or trying to do anything except get fucked up and slide in some girls pants. Fuck! I could use a joint right about now.

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