I’ve thought a lot lately about the “me” of then, and the “me” of now. How far I’ve come from the “nigga” I used to be, and the “mother-fucker” I have become. It wasn’t that long ago I was choking out my roommate, and then going to see the Flaming lips with him. It wasn’t that long ago that I was screaming at my ex (Audra), on a deserted New Jersey street at three in the morning. It wasn’t that long ago that I was half-naked on a bed with two brain-dead girls drunk off a gallon of Tequila as said ex (Audra) looked on and laughed. My life has come a long way from rural Davie County, to Washington D.C., to Ohio, New York, Atlanta, St. Louis, and soon San Francisco.
I wonder where will I be a year from now? Will I be lost in California, drunk and dreaming of these days? My life seems to be moving forward, but I constantly get turned around. Every now and then I have to look back and remember where I have been. The shit I’ve seen, the shit I’m still seeing. The good, the bad, the ugly. I am the man with no name sometimes, lost in my story. I talked to my sister the other day and she said, “Many people wish they had the kind of life I live!”. Most, however, aren’t willing to pay the price. Many more still don’t even know what that price is. I have hurt a lot of people on the road to where ever it is I’m inevitably going to end up.
Undoubtedly there will be more sacrificed in my wake. There are the ones I have now (hopefully) learned to avoid and there are those lessons I’ve left to learn. Throughout my days I have tried to be very just in the meting out of pain. I have tried to only assault those in need of a beat down. I’ve tried to be as even-handed and kind in matters of the heart as well. Though there have been a few unnecessary heart breaks. What I have learned to control essentially is me. You are the only thing that you own out right (hopefully). Only you can control you, and only you can give up control of you. You can not control others-no matter how hard you try. So to exert energy trying to bend the will of others in the end. You will find such exercises either futile or wrong. That’s what I have learned anyways. So it comes down to this, old hippie clichés of “Let it Be”. Funny, no matter how far you think you’ve come, you always end up back at the beginning. Long before I was ever considered “punk rock’, I was just some kid listening to the oldies station on the radio as I played Super Mario 3. I would cringe when ever a Beatles song came on, but I guess I couldn’t escape the words.