“THE CASE of the GOLDEN MONKEY”
I’m a dick, a Private Dick. My name is unimportant; I won’t be alive much longer. Right now I’m lying on my back in growing pool of my own blood. I’m surrounded by a bunch of punks in monkey mask who’re about to finish the job by bashing my skull in. I’m not even sure how many times I’ve been shot, stabbed or whatever else. Instead of looking up and thinking about my wife-well-ex-wife, or my two kids (both of which hate me by the way), or my poor mother (who never wanted me to get into this line of work anyway). Instead of thinking about my father, whom I’ve hated most of my life for one reason or another, I can only think about her. In 22 years as a police officer, 12 years as a P.I., I’ve never been in a worse situation than this and all I can think about is the bitch that got me here. And, you know what? I’m not even mad. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I’m including the ones on television too.
I was sitting alone in my office as usual as Wednesday or maybe it was Tuesday. The radio was on and I was listening to a horse lose what little money I had left, as I bounced a tennis ball of the wall. I remember that because the ball knocked one of my plaques off the wall; one of my few commendations from 22 years on the force. I think it was for attendance or something. I know what you’re thinking. How typical a down on his luck private dick, yeah I was a walking stereotype alright, except I never had anything exciting enough happen to me to warrant a book; a short story maybe, but definitely not a book. I know, so why should you are in. I’m bent over picking up the broken pieces of the plaque when I look between my legs to see the most gorgeous pair of gams I’d ever laid eyes on. I’d always right! Well, I’m not asking you to care. I’m just telling a story. Anyway, so that’s when she walks had a thing for Asian gals, I got a whole drawer full of Asian porn in my office to prove it. I guess who ever cleans out my office can have it now. She looked Thai or maybe from Hong Kong. Thick full lips like that actress, John Voight’s daughter. Her skin was flawless not a mark or a mole on her whole body, or at least what was showing which was a lot. She was wearing this short black dress cut real low in the back and the front, and this wide brim hat like she was straight out of some forties picture. Although I’m a P.I., I was never really into that Bogart stuff. I was more in to Bruce Lee- obviously.
“What can I do for you miss?” I barely spit out trying in vain not to stare at her chest. Which was small, but perfect none-the-less. As was her smell a perfume that I had never smelled before, probably nothing we get over here.
“I need your help!” she said.
“What’s the matter you’re husband running around on you? If so you can even the score with me right now. I won’t mind I assure you.” I tried to laugh at the end just in case she was offended. She didn’t even flinch.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I need you to locate an item that belongs to me.”
“I don’t do that.” Missing items are a matter for the police. Usually when someone come in with that kind of request it’s because their trying to recover something they stole first. “Sorry Miss, I’m not that kind of Dick. I do divorce cases, cheating spouses that kind of thing.”
I know it’s sad but what do you expect. The kind of man who spend his time following people around and digging through their garbage isn’t the type to have good hygiene or a lot of friends and the kind of man that loses all his money gambling, drinking and buying cheap hookers isn’t the type to go running rescue missions for some lady just because she’s the hottest thing to ever walk into his life. Though she pleaded with me some more, said she couldn’t involve the cops because then her old man would know she lost the thing. And with his temper he’d probably kill her before he called the cops. Say’s it’s a real rare piece of Chinese Art; a Golden Monkey. She even knows the jerks that swiped it. Some young gigolo she was dipping out with when her old man wasn’t looking. He’s due back in town in a few days and she needs the Monkey back in the house before he returns. Now normally I would pass on something this outrageous. The whole case reeked of trouble from that first moment. But if you could just lay eyes on this broad, you’d be laying here in a pool of your own blood too (or maybe not). You might be a little smarter than me. I poured us each a drink of some cheap rum I had in my desk and told her I had to think about it. She didn’t want a drink but she pulled out a stack of money and put it on the desk instead. Five Grand she said. There would be another five when I brought her back the monkey. I downed her drink right after mine and picked up the cash. Five grand is a whole other story. Big bills and a beauty too I didn’t have to think about it for long. I took the case and sealed my fate.